So people,

Those of you who read this column know that anytime I have a period of extreme stress I follow it up with getting sick. It's as if my body, who's no big fan of me anyway ("why all the drugs Joe, the alcohol, the KFC?"), is saying "you know what, you son of a bitch? You think I like sleeping on floors? You think I enjoy staying out until 1 AM every night only to get to your lame ass job at 8:30. F*&k you, I'm calling in a cold and we're gonna get some goddamn sleep!"

My body gets very angry.

Anywho, the body made the call and I'm now in summer cold hell, where my penance is wiping my nose every thirty-five seconds on my increasingly diminishing pile of tissues and, inevitably, my sleeve. Oh well.

Last night I tried to sleep the cold away but he wasn't having it. I got in bed at 9:15, took some benydryl and read a little of the new Harry Potter. Within 15 minutes I knew I was going out and I was psyched. I hadn't faced the prospect of ten hours of sleep since I was 11 months old. But just before I drifted off I had this conversation:

Me: So cold, thanks for coming, but I gotta go to sleep. Maybe I'll see you tomorrow, but feel free to take off.

Cold: Hmmm, good try be-atch. How bout we make a little date for 1:30 in the AM after you have two solid hours of dreams about being chased by goblins in a run down castle?

Me: Well, ok. That's fair, I guess, but after the fever dreams it's all smooth sailing right?

Cold: Oh, it'll be smooth sailing until about 4:15 in the AM, when you'll wake up soooo cold you have to turn off the AC and get out the winter quilt, and then it'll be all cool until 4:37 in the AM, when you'll get so sweaty you have to turn the AC back on full blast and sleep with no covers.

Me: Is that it?

Cold: Well, that cycle will repeat itself until 7, when you'll get up and have to pee and will not, under any circumstances, be able to get back to sleep.

Me: Oh, ok, thanks.........Um, how long you planning on staying?

Cold: Oh, I ain't even unpacked yet

Me: Oh.....great.

So, two lessons can be learned here I think. 1) Be nice to your body and, if you aren't nice to your body, 2) at least make him sound like a bad ass if you write about him in case he reads your journal.