Folks,

So, as part of my new year's resolutions, I have vowed to get skinny and buff for my impending wedding. And to do this I essentially switched from a diet of nothing but artificial foods (if it didn't have yellow #5 I wasn't interested) to a diet comprised of all natural food.

This, of course, was a horrible idea.

First of all, natural food tastes bad. Actually, more precisely, natural food tastes like nothing at all. Everything I eat now could easily be substituted for by a spray painted piece of cardboard. I would never know the difference.

Second, all this bland non-preservative filled food is hitting my system like a ton of tofu bricks. Yesterday I couldn't have stopped farting if you paid me a billion dollars. My roommates were literally carrying boxes of matches around with them in case they ran into me in the hallways.

All this to look good in some wedding pictures. Damn.